Ahhhh….the never-ending debate about whether allowance should be linked to chores. Here’s a thoughtful blog entry by Dave Taylor, who publishes Attachment Parenting Blog: Raising Children with Love.

Dave raises some great points to consider for parents who feel their kids should contribute to the running of the home just because they “should” (the “I don’t get paid for doing dishes” crowd).

What do YOU think?

From our mailbag…

From time to time, we receive emails from members who tell us about their experience with Active Allowance. We received this one yesterday:

Dear Leslie and Harvey,

Our family has been using Active Allowance for 2 months now, and things are going so well that I’ve been talking about your program constantly – at work, with family, with friends…

One of my friends has a blended family with 5 kids ranging in ages from 15 to 2-1/2. Consistency and accountability is always an issue in their house because of fluctuating visitation schedules, and my friend is hoping that Active Allowance will be their answer. I spent two hours with her last night helping her with setting up the checklists and budgets – they get started tomorrow (Monday). Even the 2-1/2 year old has a checklist of his own so he can be a part of it, too!

The difference in my household is amazing – we rarely have to remind the kids of their responsibilities anymore, and they get after me every Sunday evening to get their new lists printed out for Monday morning.

I recently had a day out with my 11-year old son, and he’d taken some of his “Fun Money” with him to spend. At one point, he was debating between buying two different items – finally putting them both back on the shelf. He said, “Mom, I can’t decide, so I guess I won’t buy either one.” No pouting or disappointment, just the realization that he didn’t want either thing bad enough to spend his hard-earned money on. And this was my “spender” – money used to burn a hole in his pocket.

Before Active Allowance, I probably would have bought one or both of the things for him – so I saved, too! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Michelle

Well you made my day! It’s results like yours that make this so much fun and rewarding for all of us here at Active Allowance, and especially for Harvey and me! Thanks so much for sharing how things are going. And double thanks for passing on the good word!

Leslie

I just returned from the UK where I took my older two boys (12 and 14) as a special treat. They’re both talented junior squash players (the sport, not the vegetable) so they qualified to play in the Scottish Junior Open and the British Junior Open (the world’s premiere tournament for junior squash). Here are just a few random thoughts and observations:

Squash is a fantastic sport for kids (and adults too)

Forbes rated a range of sports, including swimming, rowing, bicycling, basketball, etc. based on four fitness factors, as well as on injury risk and calorie burn.

And Squash came out #1. These kids are in great shape!

But more than that – I love the fact that sportsmanlike behavior is actively encouraged in Squash. No swearing or throwing of racquets is allowed – kids are penalized for it. And they’re taught to play honorably – for example, if the ball bounces twice and the ref doesn’t see it, kids are encouraged to call themselves out (you’re only allowed one bounce, but sometimes it’s hard for the ref to see).

Now THAT’s sure different from many sports where kids are taught that breaking any rule is ok – even actively encouraged – as long as the ref doesn’t see it. My sons and nephews (not to mention, ahem, moi) play, and have played many sports so I know I’m not painting with too broad a brush when I say that too many coaches ….. from tough sports like hockey through seemingly genteel ones like water polo …. often teach kids to play dirty – just “don’t get caught”. Not values I want to teach my kids.

If you want to learn more, check out: US Squash, Squash Canada or European Squash as a start. Or let me know and I’ll help you figure out what’s available in your area.

Find an opportunity to travel with one or more kids without your spouse

Virtually all our trips are family trips – all six of us. Those have been great and memorable. But this was great and memorable in a different way – just us guys. A great bonding time and terrific shared experience. It’ll be a memory that lasts a lifetime! And some big bonuses for Leslie…..

1. she had her special time with our 10 year old, right here at home.
2. she now has my everlasting appreciation for all the organizing she does for the family on trips and….well….ALL the time. What a relief to have her in charge again!!

Edinburgh’s extremely charming, even in winter

We were there during late December. That means cold and misty. Nevertheless, the kids and I loved it. And Hogmanay, the Scottish New Year’s Eve party, was a blast. Just 120,000 of your closest friends milling about a few blocked off streets enjoying outdoor music, tons of fireworks, several amusement park rides and plenty of crowd-watching. We got lucky, arriving a little bit early and finding ourselves front row standing spots to see the Red Hot Chilli Pipers, a bagpipe band that really rocks!

Here’s an upbeat version of Auld Lang Syne:

For some reason, my hair loss is accelerating. I really have to stop pulling it!

We recently had yet another, ummmm, not so perfect Parent/Teacher interview. Same old story — our gifted 10 year old’s behavior still leaves something to be desired. Not evil …. just frustrating. He has a lot more “stop” behaviors than “start” ones and gets very little done in school; he’s clearly gifted at lollygagging and being a social butterfly. I bet you’ve never faced something like this

After hearing this yet again, I had a brainwave. We discussed with his teacher the idea of a School “Chore Chart”, whereby the teacher could list those behaviors that needed work and that ……

warning: Parents who abhor linking rewards to behavior should stop reading now and go for a cup of tea.

…… we would provide the reward for good results.

We agreed that while it’s ideal if Adam were intrinsically motivated, it was also wishful thinking. With this process, we could at least guide him towards appropriate behavior — and over time, he’ll develop good habits.

The whole process mimicked what we do at home. Working as a team with his teacher, and also involving Adam in the discussion, we agreed on the behaviors, as well as some special bonus items (if he achieves them, there’ll be dancing in the street!). We asked him what special reward he would like to work towards – that he would get in June if he earned enough. He said he would love to earn a remote control car.

Technically, it was dead simple to make this happen in Active Allowance. We created a second account for him, designed his School Checklist (he chose the colors and decorations), and created just one bank account — his Remote Control Car account. Every Monday, he brings a clean copy to school. On Friday, he comes home with his completed Checklist, signed by his teacher, and we enter the points. Quick and simple.

And so far, after two weeks, his teacher says he’s much more focused. I know he’ll still have his ups and downs, but I’m optimistic that on average, it will be “up”. I’m keeping my fingers crossed (and away from my thinning hair).

Here’s a good read from Money Magazine: Help! Our kids are driving us broke. The Millers are concerned about how much they’re spending on their kids, not to mention on their own indulgences — and how much their kids are still demanding. If you’re a member of Active Allowance, you’ll probably remember this scenario and have some sympathy for the Millers. Now if only they knew about our service!

You just have to like someone who signs her emails with “Sweet Regards”.

New Active Allowance Member Rebecca Thomas and her husband run Fudge By Design – an online service that decorates fudge to order and ships it across the US. I can already imagine sending my young fudge-a-holics some gourmet chocolate fudge, maybe with their picture on it, as a special reward for….oh, I’ll make something up.

At Harvey’s request, Rebecca has kindly offered Active Allowance members $1.00 off any 3/4 pound gift. Just tell them Active Allowance sent you. Full disclosure – we get no financial benefit from this …. just a warm happy feeling if you like it

OK……exulting here. I know it’s a breeze for web design firms to do something like this, or maybe most 20 somethings, but ….. me?

Leslie and I wanted to create an easy to follow “Setup and Process” video for our Chores and Allowance System and put it in our Help Guide for new members, but do it without breaking the bank. Here’s the result (a small size version):

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

Ahhhh, tres satisfying. Yes, I know. We could undoubtedly do a better job with pro talent …. and Leslie winces whenever she sees it and wants to do a reshoot …. blah, blah, blah ….. but not bad for a first effort, huh?!

Full disclosure – I’ve become pretty good over the past year with end-user software (praised be Apple for their Macs) but I am not an HTML/CSS/Javascript writing techie. That stuff’s for our Development team. If you’re interested in what tools I used to do this, let me know. You could probably do it too.

Still exulting here

In my previous career, I learned that I could do a presentation for five people in a room and have them walk away with five different misinterpretations of what I said. A few key conclusions:

1. OK. Let’s deal with the obvious first. There’s, uhhhh, something, errrr, wrong with my, ahem, communication skills.
   
   And now on to something more useful for you.
2. Repeat with a twist: It’s very useful to repeat a concept, but do it in a different way. You never know what might achieve the “Ah-hah!”. With that in mind, here’s a terrific summary of key lessons to teach your children about money by Leo at Zenhabits. Although I don’t know Leo, he’s obviously traveled down the same road as Leslie and me. Many of the ideas he conveys are identical to what we incorporate into Active Allowance. But perhaps he says it in a different way, so you might get a new Ah-hah today. It’s sure worth a good read!
3. Just because you said it, doesn’t mean they get it: Words are often not a very effective way to communicate. But until we can do mind-melds, we need to find multiple ways to teach our kids. That’s why it’s so important to have your kids learn by doing – a far more effective instructor of life lessons.

As a minor quibble with Leo’s post, I disagree with the black and white position he takes in #8 on what’s appropriate for how your children earn money (eg types of chores). In his defence, this issue is a big one, and it’s hard to do justice to it in a paragraph.

Nevertheless, there are at least two sides to that debate. I often liken it to politics and religion. People may have strong points of view, and arguments are often heated and sanctimonious on both sides. But in my mind, neither is right or wrong – it comes down to personal preferences, beliefs, attitudes, philosophies. I have my own strong point of view, but I accept the fact that others vote for different people (ok, I call them names, but I’ll fight for their right, yada yada).

With that caveat, Leo’s post is a great read

Here’s an interesting idea from one of our members – she created a Responsibilities Checklist for herself so she can model appropriate behavior for her children. This helps her show her kids that Checklists aren’t a punishment – that they’re really a useful tool you’ll use your entire life to help you remember to do things. What a great idea! I’ll have to try it out.

There’s a Children’s Chore carnival going on today at “Don’t Try This at Home”. Many bloggers are contributing their ideas to the age-old issue of kids’ chores. Here’s some personal learning and preferences from more than 3 years using our system with our 4 kids and discussing this with a great many Active Allowance members. I’ve tried to distill a ton of stuff down to just a few core thoughts…..really!….this is the pared back version! First, some key underlying principles, then the high level mechanics of how it works.

We’re a team

I love teaching our kids that we’re a team and we each have a role to play in making the family unit successful (fill in your personal definition of “successful” here). Mum and/or Dad may be the ones whose role is to earn income externally, and the kids’ primary role is to go to school and learn. However, there are many areas where the kids can share in the family effort and therefore earn their share in the family income.

Responsibilities, not chores

I see chores in a broader role – that’s why I instead prefer to call them Responsibilities. It’s not just about getting jobs done – it’s about the kids’ role in helping the family run better in an age appropriate manner. For younger kids, that might include lowering the family temperature in the morning by being ready for carpool with no nagging. For older kids, it might be more traditional chores like walking the dog.

Shoulds, wants and realities

We want our kids to help around the house because of their keen sense of appreciation for what we do for them…..they should do it because of their responsibility as a citizen of the home…..and because of a range of other intrinsic motivations…..but kids will be kids. Socialism is a warm, wonderful “wish” too, but it also doesn’t work in reality.

Behavior normally follows Attitude – you feel a certain way so you behave accordingly. But how do you create change? Dale Carnegie teaches something that seems counter-intuitive – that Attitude can follow Behavior. If you “Act enthusiastic (a behavior), you’ll be enthusiastic (an attitude)”. The idea is that if you want to feel a certain way, try changing your behavior – it’s a lot easier to change behavior than it is to change attitude…..and that a changed attitude will follow.

With Responsibilities linked to Allowance and perhaps other rewards, we may initially be working on the behavior part, but we can see in our children that with consistency and constant reinforcement, it’s showing up in our their attitudes as well (admittedly after several years).

Connecting Responsibilities and Allowance

This is a super-charged issue – experts and parents are hotly divided (and often sanctimonious) on whether allowance should be linked to completion of chores. Read the rest of this entry »